My thoughts strayed from that question as I looked disconsolately at the fire. For, the fugitive out on the marshes with the ironed leg the mysterious young man, the file, the food, and the dreadful pledge I was under to commit a larceny on those sheltering premises, rose before me in the avenging coals.

Great Expectations
Charles Dickens.

you

Just the other day, I watched you stand by my side. I heard each of your very silent breaths, the shape of your silm slender back heave up and down as you drew in each smoke engulfed puff. the pull of your shirt drawn tightly across your small body, each tanned curve about your arm. Your gentle manly hands and the wistful smile across your lips. The lure of your baby eyes that twinkled each time you glanced towards me. The long lashes that i allowed to wave an introduction right into the heart of my being.

I wish i knew what is carved within the walls of you heart. For each past time i've fallen, i lost a piece of me that has yet to be replaced. And though being with you lets me feel and need again, i fear that it is all a illusion conceived within the pillars of my mind. And that whilst we remain seated side by side, sharing the same words and laughter, much of me knows and lives in fear that your heart remains with her. Who am I to blame? Who am I to ask for more? I am but the one for you to ease the pain, such that when the tide is right, back to her steel arms you will flee again. And so, as in the many times before, I will be left with only the scent of your departature and the memory of my fantasy to weep upon.

let me forge an army of strengths, for when the battle draws near, i shall want not to fight in wake of you. I shall gather an army of walls to fend off my desires for you. Defeated and scarred, i shall make my surrended exit.. back to the quiets of the night.. back to the bleak horizon to sink thy woes..

what's on in my life..

new developments within the 4 walls of the microscopic world my mental capacity resides in.. and it's not as though its eventful or remotely exciting. Not that it is mind boggling or world enhancing.. I guess.. to sum it up.. it's just me.

the attachment has made its dramatic exit from reality and entrance to my memory box. I had actually expected myself to cry buckets on the last day.. but somehow that just was not the case. I serious have not exact idea why so.. but I could try to offer a few possible reasons as to why.

1) I began to clear out my locker a week and a half in advance to the actual day. My locker of course symbolized how comfortable and well acquainted I was with the work environment. I had Eyore around, my thinkpad that provided me endless hours of work and entertainment, my brain food.. which was in fact biscuits, biscuits and more biscuits.. and believe me i had all sort of flavours.. banana.. lemon.. peanut butter.. chocolate & wheat.. butter cookies... yeh thats right.. I had them all.. and of course .. my mug.. that helped me improve my health and the water level i had in my body consistently. I guess when you have you ass parked in a air-conditioned room all day long.. with you fingers doing the catwalk on the keypad.. somehow or other.. you find yourself reaching out for that mug of water whenever it seems like you need a break. thats also probably why i was a frequent visitor of the toilet... well back to my main point. I cleaned my 'life' out of the office.. and so in turn.. allowed myself time and energies to recover from alienating myself from a routine i had grown accustomed to.. so very accustomed to.

2) well.. A & C weren't in the office.. they were on leave so well.. the two individuals that steered my learning curve, were not around to see me graduate and I guess that was quite a bummer.. *note to myself: I still owe them their little gifts and BIGG thank you notes.. sigh.. they were really amazing.. I could not have asked for more* well... on second thought.. this point aint too accurate because two individuals who enhanced my stay termenously.. for i would not have had great fond memories to look back on. if not for them two.. were right by my side on the last day. We had a makan fest that friday so basically it was food food food.. in the midst of all last minute email replies and forwards. It was great stuff.. Ray.. and Camy.. really lurve you two.

3) I was tired.. recieved minimal dose of sleep the night before.. and I was just about mentally flooding around the place.

4) Makan Fest.. and so everybody who was anybody was running around the whole place, tiding their stalls.. selling their ware or just not at their desk. No one was in the background debating with fuming customers.. explaining as to why the thinkpads did not arrive as they desired them to nor did i notice the regular buzz within the 3rd floor office. All in all, things in the office was just not like its usual self and so.. I was just not deeply attached to its quiet and inate state.

Anyhow, with the attachment over and done with.. I find myself back in the mild mundane grey boring space i found myself in 3.5 months ago... yup. I'm back in school. Back in with the same crowb.. though i must add i miss my school friends terribly.. great stuff i get to see them again.. back to the same cold room.. odd rules and regulations and back to the long 40 min bus ride to and fro school. *damn*

well.. the only thing great about being back in school would be the fact that I can work freely again! A big Hooray to more money.. more time with the rhino *darlin' i miss you!!* and more bitching, laughing and suppers with my darlin's at work... i realli miss working.. and now that Pat is working too.. heheh.. its like double .. no no.. triple the fun!! hehehe... soon i know.. babe.. i can ride you home!! hehehe.. thenz we can go find mum mum.. and talk into the nite.. and maybe go down to wen's or jo's place.. and start knocking on their doors in the wee hours of the morn!! hehehe.. its gona be fun.

Great stuff..

yup... thats right.. I want my own darlin'.. i promise i will love you so much.. if i could i'll bring you in and hugg you to sleep. I'll never make you do too much for me.. nor will i ignore you. You will be mine.. and mine only..

I dream of you.. my Kawasaki..

loving you should not be an option..

the past, the present, & the future i seek for

*sigh* Life gets complicated. Or least some prefer to state that it is us breathing, thinking (not that it is true for everyone though), heart beating humans that just make life so disfigured. It is exhausting to try and keep up with the consistent change of events and emotions that take place with each rise and set of the burning sun.

I am exhausted.

I am tired of hurting when old wounds don’t heal as well as I wish them to. I am tired of weeping for chains of events that are just out with of my control. I am tired of crying myself to sleep each night. And on nights that I have just run dry, I collapse into a numb state of mind. Evading as much as is humanly possible, hiding from the insistent continued flood of emotions that the still night brings upon me. I wake in a sea of tears that have dried over the long wave of the cold lone night. The rays of light the sun brings each new day serves only to blind me from my woes, as I tug along each waking day, before dark falls yet again. I tire of keeping my fears aside such that I may move on, because I have learnt that they do not fade with time, but rather return when you least expect them to.

I am tired.

That comfort always finds me in the worst of circumstances. That the peace of mind healing should bring, sadly only leaves me cringing in the loudest of its scream. Know that I seek not to hurt, nor do I wish to stay in this present state of confusion. I wish the heavens and its diamond filled skies would shower the truth and right path unto me. Least provide me a path that I may find.. Tranquility.

I ask questions of which leave answers I fear I cannot comprehend and dare not accept.


When the children cry
Let them know we tried
When the children sing
The new world begins

drained..

Its one of those really emotionally and physically tiring days.. and just as the working day comes to an end.. I find myself stuck here in my cushioned maroon chair... back curved.. head spinning.. and just too lazy to move and make my way to the spaceship lookalike mrt station.

*curses*

haha.. its also at times like these that I feel the need to unload my frustration built self.. but as I attempt to deliver something thought provoking and intellectual on my sadly lonely blog.. I find myself at a lost for words and my eyelids occasionally closing..