ideas.. thoughts.. emotions, spilt over thy screen. not cast by my pen, but rather by the sharp end of my fingers. they may not be six inches long, but they can still kill a man six feet tall.. wld u be left standin?
have i told you lately that i love you
have i told you there's no one else above you
you fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness..
ease my troubes that what you do.
jus feeling all lovey dovey.. and its prob cos of the rain.. cool breeze.. purple starless nite. *damn*
Its been awhile.. but now.. i know for sure.. i'm scared. time seems to be slipping past my fingers.. and i try all but in vain..to cease procastination. Ideally, a word that that describes me and my various actions whenever it comes to the crunch.
i'm at the crunch..
i'm at the crossroads of passing and failure... and honestly.. its gona take a bandwagon full of seladangs to whisk me off in the right direction... the only thing that comes to mind is whether i can loan/borrow a few from night safari.. and honestly. the chances of that happening is gona be far brighter than me sitting myself down and attempting to junk a trunkload full of data comm into my head..
ahh! .. exams.
how i yearn for carefree days.
You know.. my carefree days are in a weeks' time.. and i dun even know if i can hold out till then.. the feeling of so far yet so near. and ideally, if i do not exhaust my being now.. when the evening 0f the 8th of may comes... i will not be able to smile and sink myself into a river of sinful delights..
so push comes to shove.. i pick up my straddling strength.. pull up those socks.. grit my teeth.. and pray the winds wont knock me over.
AN ANT went to the bank of a river to quench its thirst, and being carried away by the rush of the stream, was on the point of drowning. A Dove sitting on a tree overhanging the water plucked a leaf and let it fall into the stream close to her. The Ant climbed onto it and floated in safety to the bank. Shortly afterwards a birdcatcher came and stood under the tree, and laid his lime-twigs for the Dove, which sat in the branches. The Ant, perceiving his design, stung him in the foot. In pain the birdcatcher threw down the twigs, and the noise made the Dove take wing.
i ask only that you will be my dove..
and if i fall...
u wld rush from the heavens and rescue my drowning soul..
in turn will i lie grounded in faith to ur kindness.
I will fall for ur every need..
i will breathe to keep u sound..
i will be your love if you wld me my angel.
years back.. with my hair tied back in a pink band, i lay awake on the cold marbled floor of our yishun flat and watched the late afternoon grow dark. Those days.. hours meant nothin.. and were spent lusting in the purest of childlike play.. they were spent in a time frame of wad means a second to us all now. had i idled longer.. i would hear my dad shuffle his sandals.. making his paced way along the corridor to the mouth of our home. It was truly unnoted how long i spent in these afternoons.. starin at an ant.. lost in its urban world.. running along the slippery floors.. or danced along with the settin sun as it lit the hall with an orange glow. Those days.. i had no assignments to finish, exams to prepare for.. or friends to meet up.. time was at my will.. and i scattered it anyway i wanted. life as i knew revolved ard the world my mother showed me. It was in these golden moments, i wld like to believe, the core of me had its foundations laid.
it is in these memories i hold dear the many accounts of ma reading to me. My favourites grew from rythms to fables, of which which they gradually came to a stand still with the arrival of a crying baby little boy. and so bear with me ya.. as i share with u one of these distant moments. From one of my favourites... Aesop Fables . Well.. the book i had, contain a short list of these fables... many that i still love to read. and reading these fables.. i recall how each fable had a page to itself.. accompanied with illustrative coloured pictures.. depicting much of the story line. This fable i picked was cast in a yellow autumn afternoon.. with the ground covered in browning leaves.. one man clinging to the arch of a tree.. and his best friend lay at the foot of the tree.. shieldin himself from the onward approaching brown bear. I jus never seemed to understand y they were so afraid.. the bear had the warmest of smiles..
well..even now as i read this.. it sends little tickles to my mind.. well.. i hope it invokes something in you too. You can check the rest of them over here.
http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/browse-mixed-new?id=AesFabl&images=images/modeng&data=/lv1/Archive/eng-parsed&tag=public
The Bear and the Two travelers
TWO MEN were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on their path. One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself in the branches. The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on the ground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt him all over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much as he could. The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a dead body. When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree, and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered in his ear. "He gave me this advice," his companion replied. "Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the approach of danger."
Misfortune tests the sincerity of friends.
i return and watch u glee with such excitment.. yes .. another day has passed and i am still where i was two days back.. uh huh.. i'm still an a pile load of s**t.. so sue me. you walk and talk and laugh with ur youthful shine.. unaware of the world that mingles at ur feet. oh stop with ur bashfulness.. and ur ignorant words.. stop and see wad slips by u. stop and realise .. that out of ur world.. people live too. they cry and cheer.. joke and falter, they seek the love u find and the joys u cast aside.
stop will u pls.. and step into the shoes of another.. and view life from their point of view. rid urself of ridicule, shame and unthoughtfulness.. seek truth and love and peace. judge me not... for falter i may.. hurt i feel... and tears i cry.. but still i feel deep down inside. i cry when u do not look... and cuddle in the deepest valley of my fears.. but do u know.. i ask if u know.. i feel deep down inside. so whilst u sneer and giggle at my insecurties.. i hope u realise soon after that though i may weep.. i will stand again.. and whilst i fall.. i will one day run again.. and whilst i fear the unknown.. i have the courage to seek wad i have yet to find. i note that the pain in me will one day rise up high to reign my path.
And so.. mock me with ur wintry cry.. freeze my strengths in an iceberg of ur arrogance. laugh ur final laugh..
but.. i tell you now.. you will judge me not and you cannot judge me. Because from ash to ash.. from dawn to dusk..and after it all... you and i are but one.
the price u pay for being flustered and unprepared....
*sigh* i resent buying textbooks that i koe i will hardly make use of.. and then comes the time when online material proves to be unhelpful and the paper is jus 24 hours away. *darn* so i retreat into the bright lit basement shop at lucky plaza.. the undaunting lights clipping my common sense. i am informed of the unearthly price, 20 cents per page, and still i agree.. not knowing that i was to pay $10 for 3 chapters of notes.. *sigh* penny wise pound foolish.. you tell me... 8 chapters of my work wld have cost me a mere 4 bucks if not less.. had it been bought in sch.. and had i headed down to middle road.. it wld have cost me jus $0.03 a page..
the shop assistant embarks on her long story in attempt to pacify my bewildered look.. ' the shop rent is high mah.. here in orchard so velly expensive lor.. ' well *curse*oh.. u dun have chain shops for nothing yah?!?! wad ever happen to consumers rights and attracting, retaining and cultivating closer customer relationships?.. at this day and age.. Accessibility and convience shld outplay cost effects! and here i was paying 7 times more just because i was located in town.. outrightly, one of the more expensive plots of land in singapore..and heaven forbid at that very moment, i needed a copy of notes. Had i physically been at ang mo kio or toa payoh.. i bet my last bottom dollar, it wld have been a mere $1.50. even a mrt trip down to one of the neighbouring neighbourhoods and back to do the deed wld have created less of a hole in my pocket. the way i look at it now.. I can fit my whole right hand in. *sigh* and the irony of it all?.... i photocopied notes on ecommerce, chap 6 dealing with business to customer work ethics... how to appeal to customers by reducing product lines to deliver products and services at lower rates.. *WTF*
*sigh* $10... daylight robbery in town.. or jus plain stupidity?... you decide... and do me a favour.. dun tell me.. *sob*
so.. armed wid my costly notes.. i begin my studying for tml's paper.. alrite u, quit laughing.. and return off your laptop.. i bet your day will come.. and when it does.. haha.. bet u will remember your laughing at me.
i never cease to stop amazing myself.. a full week has gone by and all i have have to boast are late nights, 12 hour sleeps till a burning noon and fun at work.. running amist the coach park, splashing water cooler chilled water upon unsuspecting darlins ... hehe... and whilst it has been terribly enjoyable.. i weep at the shrivelled state i am in.. the heat wave that has washed over sunny singapore is unbearable.. i long to stay in my toilet in the comforts of cool water.. then to be soaked in my self produced bath.. Eeeekks!
and while exams are a week away.. i dream of my breezy beach in my la ti ki island... sippin on chilled magaritas.. strawberry flavoured pls.. whilst starring into the deep horizon... sigh.. but all that awaits is engineering maths.. micro processing.. and some data crap.. oh darn..
well.. i'll love to stay and chat abt the bitches of exams and its pains.. but alas!! i have class in twenty mins and i'm still here, seated in my blue tee and shorts.. hair up in a terrible messed up bundle... and spectacles taht spell everything but studiousness.. ha! off to lab now.. i'll check in later to bitch.. farwell.
i sink down to one bended knee
pleading that ur mercy shall cover me
the tears i cry stream from side to side
i look at life from both ways now..
i sink down to one bended knee
deliver my heart from torrent woes
fill my soul with sunday's sweet laughter
smiling from within with the dawnin new day
It only takes a moment..
he held me for an instant
but his arms felt safe and strong
it only takes a moment
to be loved a whole life long
and that is all love is about
and we will recall when time runs out
that it only takes a moment to be loved..
a whole life long
that is one moment i do not have... a pale sunday afternoon and all that interests me is sleep.. even having woken from it jus 2 hours back... the insistent lethargy that washes over u.. when u have a list of a million and one things to do.. *argh* the ardent way of life. scripts to complete.. modules to study.. friends to embrace.. and work.. did i mention work?.. oh bother ..
i hate when i get asked silly questions abt crossing work and school;.. aint it tiring?.. and whilst i hold back any desire to reply sarcastically.. i release a feeble smile.. and comtemplate a deplomatic responace.. one i pray spells maturity beyond my tender years. I insist that whislts it tires me.. they compliment each other.. "wad happens when u have exams?" *rolls eyes..*oh.. i jus tire at the unending stupidity... i jus work as much as i can and hope i can gather enough to bribe my teachers to give me straight As.. you see.. it teaches me the unspoken truth in life.. 'money makes the world go round'
love makes me go round.. spinin my head in circle.. driving pulses through my veins.. sending me into chaotic waves.. hmmm.. my love of the moment leaves my mouth numb in pleasure.. my being yearnin for more.. my centre of life .. revolves ard my chocolate ice cream.. great whenever.. jus straight out from the freezer.*hmmmm* typically chocolate cos its able to elevate moods... (even mine).. armed with phenylethylamine, a brain chemical that is known to arouse the same feelings we get when we fall in love. key point for my non exsistant love endeavours.. Ha.
and so.. it only takes a moment..
to be loved a whole life long
See I didn’t get that chance
To tell u how u mattered
To let u be apart of my life
That I may have u to hold
For all that I was given a shimmering hope
A distant glance of what it could be
So now I wither in a wintry cold
A past memory of u to cling on to
Still remembering the very day I watched u sleep
Realizing jus how easy it was for me to fall in love with u
All I want is what u will not give
Wad I need I cannot have
A bleeding spirit in wish of love
Back to a time when my life made sense least I tot so
Meaningless desires that have burnt me whole
Flickering ashes drifting in the winds
Memories of u and me I try to hold dear
Abandon me without even a single tear
Rambling on and on
My thoughts begin to reassemble themselves
Disillusioned as I maybe
As hurt as I may seem
I know that it is not because I lost u
But rather that I never had u see
A realization that it can never be
A dream in me that went on and on
Why is it deemed any less
That u and I were never we
Cos deep in the cracks of my heart
Stored in the valley of my conceived thoughts
I am still and will always be
Living in the illusion of u and me
a memory from the past.. a cold thought that resurfaced on such a dreamy friday night. See.. this is just how it is... u think u have moved on. u wan to move on.. but in truth.. all that u try and forget... in turn is just lost just momentarily in ur sub-conscience... and so it drifts there from emptiness to emptiness as u creep along thy daily deeds.. when suddenly a flash back and u are reminded.. for it floats back to u .. always when u least expect it.. and cos u lie there so unprepared.. it stabs on u harder than u last remembered it to be.. the cold steel blade repeatedly driving in and out of ur raw flesh.. the wetness as the blade slides the stab through you faster and faster.. the movements all without a doubt fittin into a rythmic beat... the strummin of the drums.. the crashin to the floor.. u fall again.. this time unaware of when u will awake..